The weird tales told on insurance claim forms have been immortalised in Jasper Carrott's sketches.
    Sometimes, a quick read -through would have helped....

  • "I was waiting to go. The front van Toyota reversed me. I horned her but the driver did not response it."

  • "We note that you client made an excreta payment of £350..."

  • "....as soon as I receive an estimate for the repairs to my cat I will forward it to you"

  • "Third party reported careless driving..."

  • "We would advise you that Mr Friar is a reliable and conscious driver.."

  • "I would like to hire a vehicle to enable me to visit my children in Hampshire and my mother in Lancashire who has just broken her ankle under the recommended policyholders discount scheme."

  • "If the client's symptom's have not resolved within twelve months, an MRI scan (Magnetic Resource Imaging) should be undertaken to exclude any underlying occult damage."

  • "...the horse got up,staggered around and ran off to the market.. (Appropriate sketches , a five page explanation of the accident and a detailed map accompanied this one.)

  • "In October I went for a drink with a man named Thomas Brooks of Newry, Co Down. On the way home we hit a pig and because of the embarrassment of hitting a pig,the driver asked me not to say anything to anyone. The car was badly damaged, the windscreen was broken and the bonnet smashed in,the headlights were broken and my door had bent in...I did go to my GP. Since then I have had to go to a chiropractor and am now suffering from nightmares of pigs flying and sausages driving my car.."

  • "We must inform you that there are 31 court judgements registered against the third party totalling nearly £34000 I would suggest that what he owes your client is the least of his worries..."

  • "A representative from our insurance company called upon Mr Benson in February to discuss the underwriting of his motor insurance policy. We should point out that when our representative was discussing the proposals and enquired about previous claims, Mr Benson withdrew a hand gun from the side of the sofa,loaded it and fired three shots into the ceiling. Needless to say, our representative left rather rapidly...."

  • "Third party sneezed and false teeth fell out. While looking for them crashed into back of S Roper."

  • "..you clearly had notice of this manoeuvre as you would have seen the stationary traffic coming towards you."

  • "At this present moment in time our file of papers is out of the office making enquiries."

  • "Regardless of the exact sequence of events between the drivers of the vehicles involved, the hiatus itself,if further evidence be required,must be a reasonably reliable indication of the existence of that state of affairs which the letter sets out to illustrate."