Love is blind,    but marriage is an eye-opener.

I take my wife everywhere,    but she keeps finding her way back. 

We always hold hands.    If I let go, she shops.

A successful man is one who makes more money that his wife can spend
A successful woman is one who can find such a man

Any married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 10 metres above the ground. You're between 52.3 and 52.4 degrees north latitude and between 1.8 and 1.9 degrees west longitude."

"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.

"I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip."

"The woman below responded, "You must be in Senior Management."

"I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," said the woman, "you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

An organisation is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels. Some monkeys are climbing up, some down. The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces. The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door,

Who do you let in first?
The Dog of course...at least he’ll shut up after you let him in!

A 75-year old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "bring me back a sample tomorrow."
The next day, the 75-year old man reappears at the doctor's office and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as on the previous day.The doctor asks what happened, and the man explains,
"Well,  doc, it's like this.  First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left  hand, but nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried  with her right hand, but nothing. Then her left, but nothing. She even tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with the teeth out, and still nothing. Hell, we even called up the lady next door, and she tried with both hands and her mouth too, but nothing."
The doctor is shocked. "you asked your NEIGHBOUR?"
The old man replies, "Yep, but no matter what we tried, we couldn't get the damn jar open!!"

A man driving down the road was pulled over by the police, the police man said "Do you know your wife fell out of the car 5 miles back", the man replied "Thankgod, I thought I had gone deaf".