The Quotes and Sayings

 I've learned that you cannot make someone love you.
All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care,
some people are just arseholes.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust,
But it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes.
After that, you'd better have a big dick or huge tits.

I've learned that you can keep throwing up long after you think you're finished.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first,
the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down, will be the ones who do.

I've learned that no matter how you try to protect your children,
they will eventually get arrested and end up in the local paper.

Confucius say...Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Confucius say...Passionate kiss, like spider web, lead to undoing of fly.

Confucius say...Better to be pissed off than pissed on.

Confucius say...He who walk through airport door sideways going to Bangkok.

Confucius say...Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.

Confucius say...Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.

Confucius say...Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.

Confucius say...Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honourable discharge.

Confucius say...Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.

Confucius say...Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.

Confucius say...Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.

Confucius say...He who run behind bus get exhausted.

Confucius say...Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.

Confucius say...Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.

Confucius say...He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

Quotes

A Friend will help you move House, but a Best Friend will help you move a Body

So what if I haven't got a girlfriend, I have 500Gb of porn

I put pictures of your mum up on the internet....

You can go a long way with a smile. You can go a lot farther with a smile and a gun. - Al Capone

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I also know that I'm not blonde. -Dolly Parton-

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. -Erica Jong-

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours. -Rita Rudner-

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives. -Rita Rudner-

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.  -Rita Rudner-

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'   -Rita Rudner-

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog. -Wendy Liebman-

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.-Erma Bombeck-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til they make one you can ride on. -Roseanne Barr-

I think-therefore I'm single. -Lizz Winstead-

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. -Elayne Boosler-

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. -Maryon Pearson-

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man; if you want anything done, ask a woman. -Margaret Thatcher-

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. -Gloria Steinem-

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late at night. -Marie Corelli-

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck? -Linda Ellerbee-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house. -Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships. -Jimmy Shubert-

What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? 'Hold my purse.' Francois Morency

There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you're anxious to meet people who do. - Rich Jeni

Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in. - Rich Jeni

Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps. - Ren Hicks

I read somewhere that 77 per cent of all the mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 per cent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves. - Emo Philips

Have you ever noticed, anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac? -George Carlin

I'm not into working out. My philosophy No pain, no pain. -Carol Leifer

I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people. -Ed Bluestone

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise. -Roger Simon

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight. -George Gobel

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.-A. Whitney Brown

My mom said she learned how to swim. Someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. That's how she learned how to swim. I said, "Mum, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim." -Paula Poundstone

I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners. -Jeff Stilson

Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. -Sue Murphy

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash. -Jerry Seinfeld

Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm half-way through my fishburger and I realize, Oh my God.... I could be eating a slow learner. -Lynda Montgomery

Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic? -Lily Tomlin