Useful Saying to help you through life
Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever
after.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
This isn't an office -- It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the whole time.
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, popping' bubble wrap is cheap! You
choose.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put
shoes on my cat.
Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And just how may I screw you over today?
I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very bad mood for 30
years.
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil...
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my
mouth.
Allow me to introduce my selves.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
Whisper my favourite words: "I'll buy it for you."
Better living through denial.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name
streets after them.
Adult child of alien invaders.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
I'm just working here till a good fast-food job opens up.
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable.
I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realise you
haven't fallen asleep yet.
Here I am! Now what are your other two wishes?
Back off! You're standing in my aura.
I can't remember if I'm the good twin or the evil one.
Don't worry. I forgot your name, too!
Adults are just kids who owe money.
One of us is thinking about sex..... OK, it's me.
How many times do I have to flush before you go away?
I have a computer, Internet & pizza delivery. Why should
I leave the house?
I just want revenge. Is that so wrong?
I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Can I trade this job for what's behind door #2?
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Too many freaks, not enough circuses.
Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
You look like shit. Is that the style now?
Everyone thinks I'm psychotic, except for my friends deep
inside the earth.
Is it time for your medication or mine?
Did I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if
you touch me?
I plead contemporary insanity.
And which dwarf are you?
I refuse to star in your psychodrama.
I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted
paychecks.
How do I set a laser printer to stun?
Meandering to a different drummer.
Do I look like a people person?
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.
All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever - so far, so good.
Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.
When I'm not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body is required on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
Two wrongs are only the beginning.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Change is inevitable... except from vending machines.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route.
I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
THESE USEFUL QUOTES WERE REPORTEDLY TAKEN FROM
ACTUAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS
1. "Since my last report, this employee
has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of
morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been,
but more of a definite won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and
cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only
to change feet."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then
consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of
an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he
starts, the better."
12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to
hold it all together."
13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an
ordinary ignoramus."
15. "He doesn't have ulcers, he's a carrier."
16. "I would like to go hunting with him
sometime."
17. "He's been working with glue too much."
18. "He would argue with a signpost."
19. "He has a knack for making strangers
immediately."
20. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the
room."
21. "When his I.Q. reaches 50 we should sell."
22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored,
he's the other one."
23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover
glued on."
24. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done
using it."
26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the
train isn't coming."
27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out
looking for it."
28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be
watered twice a week."
29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd
get change."
30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the
ocean."
31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000
other sperm."
32. "One neuron short of a synapse."
33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only
gargled."
34. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is
dead."
The
following announcements by train drivers were all heard and
reported by visitors to the "Going Underground" website.
Heard at Earl's Court: "The train at platform three is not going
to Parsons Green but to Richmond. The train approaching platform
two is also not going to Parsons Green but to Ealing Broadway.
These trains are not going to Parsons Green despite what the
signal men think".
On the Northern Line: "Beggars are operating on this train,
please do NOT encourage these professional beggars, if you have
any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing
that, give it to me."
On the Piccadilly Line: "To the gentleman wearing the long grey
coat trying to get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand
clear of the doors' don't you understand?"
At Leyton station (where a train was stationary despite a green
light): "Sorry for the delay ladies and gentlemen but there is a
queue of trains ahead of us so I have decided to wait here,
because I'm sure you don't want to sit in a tunnel getting hot
and sweaty".
On the Central line: "Next time, you might find it easier to wait
until the doors are open before trying to get on the train".
At King's Cross: "This train is completely broken, it isn't going
anywhere".
On the Victoria line: "This is Brixton, err, no, it's Victoria!"
"This is like that TV advert, I hope the person next to you is
wearing a good deodorant!"
"Have a very relaxing weekend. Hope to see you all again Monday
morning!"
At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon): 'Please
let the passengers off the train first...Please let the
passengers off the train first... Please let the passengers off
the train first... Let the passengers off the train FIRST!... Oh
go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care, I'm
going home.'
At Moorgate (after a 20-minute delay): "I apologise for the delay
but the computer controlling the signalling at Aldgate and
Whitechapel has the Monday Morning Blues"
At West Hampstead: "We can't move off because some c*** has their
f***ing hand stuck in the door'
At Mill Hill East: "Hello this is xxx speaking, I am the captain
of your train, and we will be departing shortly, we will be
cruising at an altitude of approximately zero feet, and our
scheduled arrival time in Morden is 3:15pm. The temperature in
Morden is approximately 15 degrees Celsius, and Morden is in the
same time zone as Mill Hill east, so there's no need to adjust
your watches."
On a delayed train at Epping (when the driver had a chat with a
colleague unaware that he'd left the tannoy on): "bollocks to the
lot of them, I don't care if they don't make it to work."