Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory.
Wanted: Chambermaid in rectory. Love in, £200 a month. References required.
Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family
For Sale: An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers
For Sale: Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
For Sale. Three canaries of undermined sex.
For Sale. Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Hussy.
For Sale: Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
For Sale: Great Dames.
For Sale: Dog, eats anything and is fond of children.
For Sale: Modular Sofas. Only £299. For rest or fore play.
For Sale: Several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine food expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
Dinner Special -- Turkey £2.35; Chicken or Beef £2.25; Children £2.00.
Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.
Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
Vacation Special: have your home exterminated.
Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
Illiterate? Write today for free help.
The Superstore:- unequalled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivalled inconvenience.
We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.
Man, honest. Will take anything.
For Sale 8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG. ½ COCKER SPANIEL - ½ SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG FREE PUPPIES.. PART GERMAN SHEPHERD PART STUPID DOG GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED. SPEAKS GERMAN. FREE. FOUND: DIRTY WHITE DOG. LOOKS LIKE A RAT.. BEEN OUT AWHILE. BETTER BE REWARD. 1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB -- $850/offer SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE..ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS. 2 WIRE MESH BUTCHERING GLOVES: 1 5-finger, 1 3-finger, PAIR: $15 TICKLE ME ELMO, STILL IN BOX, COMES WITH ITS OWN 1988 MUSTANG, 5L, AUTO, EXCELLENT CONDITION $6800 COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED....ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE. FULL SIZED MATTRESS. 20 YR. WARRANTY. LIKE NEW. SLIGHT URINE SMELL. NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED, CALL CHUBBY BILL'S SEPTIC CLEANING WE HAUL AMERICAN MADE PRODUCTS" SHAKESPEARE'S PIZZA - FREE CHOPSTICKS HUMMELS - LARGEST SELECTION EVER "IF IT'S IN STOCK, WE HAVE IT!" HARRISBURG POSTAL EMPLOYEES GUN CLUB GEORGIA PEACHES CALIFORNIA GROWN - 89 cents lb. NICE PARACHUTE: NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR? WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS. STARTING PAY: $7 - $9 PER HOUR. EXERCISE EQUIPMENT: QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175. JOINING NUDIST COLONY! MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300. LAWYER SAYS CLIENT IS NOT THAT GUILTY. ALZHEIMER'S CENTRE PREPARES FOR AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER OPEN HOUSE BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON FREE COFFEE & DONUTS AND THE BEST ONE FOR SALE BY OWNER Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannic 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last weekend. Wife knows everythingActual label instructions on consumer goods:
On Sears hairdryer:
Do not use while sleeping.
(Gee, that's the only time I have to work on my hair!)
On a bag of Fritos:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(The shoplifter special!)
On a bar of Dial soap:
Directions: Use like regular soap.
(and that would be how?)
On some Swann frozen dinners:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.
(But it's *just* a suggestion!)
On a hotel provided shower cap in a box:
Fits one head.
(The big one or the little one?)
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert:(printed on bottom of the box)
Do not turn upside down.
(Too late! You lose!)
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
Product will be hot after heating.
(Are you sure??? Let's experiment.)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
Do not iron clothes on body.
(But wouldn't that save more time?)
(Whose body?)
On Boots' Children's cough medicine:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we just kept those 5
year olds off those fork lifts.)
On Nytol sleep aid:
Warning: may cause drowsiness.
(One would hope!)
On a Korean kitchen knife:
Warning keep out of children.
(Or pets! What's for dinner?)
On a string of Chinese-made Christmas lights:
For indoor or outdoor use only.
(As opposed to use in outer space.)
On a Japanese food processor:
Not to be used for the other use.
(Now I'm curious.)
On Sainsbury's peanuts:
Warning: contains nuts.
(but no peas?)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
(have a lobotomy)
On a Swedish chainsaw:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.
(What is this, a home castration kit?)
On a child's Superman costume:
Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.
(That's right, destroy a universal childhood fantasy!)